be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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