I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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