is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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