last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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