Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
