Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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