I CAN MOONWALK!
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
