Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
