while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
