I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
