i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Reggie can tackle my bush.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
