youre lurking in front of me
Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
