It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
