my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
