I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
