My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
