Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
