Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
