New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
So vagazzling was a success
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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