Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
