turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Randomize
