Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
