He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
