In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
