so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
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We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
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Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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