so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
