All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
