I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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