From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
