We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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