before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
The air was thick with penises
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I deserve this hangover.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
