What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
