My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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