If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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