Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
should my penis look like a turkey
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
