my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
