We got so high we made milksteak
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
