Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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