Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Text me some of your sweat
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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