i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
