The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
