your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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