mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
