i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
