would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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