We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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