on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
