I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
