i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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