Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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