Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
