We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
