wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
