i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
