my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
