So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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