I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Holy sore nipples Batman
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
