I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
