I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
no, he came in my armpit
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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