apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
