life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
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